Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.


Today is for Amy,
Amy, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Amy,
My happily soon-to-be wife.

Pardon me, is everybody here? Because if everybody´s here, I
want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I´d appreciate
your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things
to do, and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know,
the man I´m gonna marry, but I´m not, because I wouldn´t ruin
anyone as wonderful as he is--
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it´s back to the showers,
Don´t tell Paul,
But I´m not getting married today.

Bless this day,
Tragedy of life,
Husband yoked to wife.
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day.

Listen, everybody, look, I don´t know what you´re waiting for,
a wedding, what´s a wedding, it´s a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he´ll realize he´s
saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
So listen, thanks a bunch,
But I´m not getting married--
Go have lunch,
´Cause I´m not getting married--
You´ve been grand,
But I´m not getting married--
Don´t just stand there,
I´m not getting married--
And don´t tell Paul,
But I´m not getting married today.

Go, can´t you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye,
Go and cry
At another person´s wake.
If you´re quick,
For a kick,
You could pick
Up a christening,
But please,
On my knees,
There´s a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I´m afraid you didn´t hear, or do you want to
see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn´t only Paul
who may be ruining his life, you know we´ll both of us be losing
our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to
see him Monday, but by Monday I´ll be floating in the Hudson with
the other garbage--
I´m not well,
So I´m not getting married--
You´ve been swell,
But I´m not getting married--
Clear the hall,
´Cause I´m not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I´m not getting married--
And don´t tell Paul,
But I´m not getting married today.

Bless this bride,
Totally insane,
Slipping down the drain.
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

Today is for Amy,
Amy, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Amy,
My happily soon-to-be wife.
My adorable wife.

Go, can´t you go?
Look, you know
I adore you all,
But why
Watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps
I´ll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all,
So take
Back the cake,
Burn the shoes and boil the rice.

Look, I didn´t wanna have to tell you, but I may be coming
down with Hepatitis, and I think I´m gonna faint, so if
you wanna see me faint, I´ll do it happily, but wouldn´t
it be funnier to go and watch a funeral, so thank you for the
twenty-seven dinner plates,
thirty-seven butter knives,
forty-seven paperweights,
fifty-seven candleholders--

One more thing--

I am not getting married!

Amen!

Softly said--

But I´m not getting married!

Amen!

With this ring--

Still I´m not getting married!

Amen!

I thee wed.

See, I´m not getting married!

Amen!

Let us pray
That we are getting married
Today!

Let us pray
That we´re not getting married
Today!

AMEN!!!