Mmmm, If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I´ll have the poo-poo platter
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said guys I´m like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Dig guys that are
Queer guys that don´t dig
Chicks that don´t dig guys like me
See I´m not queer I´m too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homophony
Maybe it´s a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
Cause ´super model´ means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with ´super dumb´
Ya see I´d be a good listener so she´d treat me like a sister and soon I´d become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn´t be a week before I´m in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don´t dig
Chicks that don´t dig guys like me
See I´m not queer I´m too ugly
Doesn´t matter what I´m packin´ in my denim it´s what´s in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I´m not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I´m not Princess Di and I don´t wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I´d have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom´s hair stylist his name is Kip he´s got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother´s lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don´t dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don´t dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don´t dig
Chicks that don´t dig guys like me
See I´m not queer I´m too ugly
And I don´t shave my heiny
Don´t shave my heiny
See I´m not queer I´m too ugly